"When I grow up..."
8/24/23
“Nature writer.”
It’s what I wanted to be when I grew up. When I was 8. And I recall where I thought that…the meadow in the 40 acres my mom & great uncle purchased back in 1977 in NW Wisconsin.
It was Autumn, the time we went there the most, bugs and ticks died back, peaceful and serene, although somewhat stark without the leaves, frosts having arrived more and more often. A place of partridge and deer, dog walks and eventually a harvested ‘Charlie Brown’ Christmas tree, as my mom liked to “thin the trees.” A rutted dirt road past a crumbling home from the 1930’s, where rusted cans, glass and stone walls ignited a love for the past. Winding past wild blackberry patches and a clump of Birch, came the meadow.
It’s in the meadow where I met Milkweed. Popping open seed pods. Rolling the soft, downy like a baby chick’s fluffy butt, seed transporters through my little fingers. The sweet puffs for stuffing miniature pillows and rubbing on cheeks. Milkweed has been a special Plant to me for a long, long time. Those sweet childhood years.
While holding Milkweed seeds, I remember having the idea that I would become a Nature Writer. When asked what that meant, I didn’t really know how to reply. But it felt right, it felt perfect.
I revisited that idea, back in 2014 when I applied for a grant at the North Woods Word Symposium held by a good friend’s husband. After receiving the grant, and meeting interesting regional writers, I soon after co-wrote a children’s book with a talented artist friend, and Lynn Canal Publishing put it out. Atlin Blue & Miss Scarlet. It was based on a bedtime story that I would “tell with my voice” to my then 3 year old son.
And then… I stopped Nature Writing. For many years.
…
I needed to pivot.
And now is my pivot point…
What it exactly looks like, I’m not sure.
I know what it’s starting with though…
Creating Sanctuary.
There have been several times in my life when I’ve ‘heard’ a brief, yet poignant phrase. This particular one came up in 2018 while tending the Stick House at our old Alaskan home. Nestled amongst some Spruces, the Stick House was a play house, and an altar spot. Highbush Cranberry, the 2nd garden, Birch Trees and Alder, Single Delights and the graves of our two old, very dear dogs, Clover & Steiner, were all surrounding. And I realized that what I was doing, the raking out underneath these trees, adding sticks to the walls, placing pretty stones and flowers in the ‘roof,’ and making a sacred space, was Creating Sanctuary.
And that was important to me. It felt really, really good to me.
Fast forward to August 24, 2023. And the home we have is bursting at the seams already. Too many things. And we had parted with SO much when we moved in 2021. An entire household we left behind. We took the necessary and sentimental objects. We left things we could replace. And yet, oh so suddenly, this home is feeling too tight.
I crave space in here.
And often when I look around, I see it’s my own stuff. The books, the plants, the cooking and herbal making supplies…and I keep coming back to my business and the model under which I began it.
Selling hand-harvested, small-batch herbal products.
Well. I think I want to be done with focusing on that. (Not giving it up forever, just not the entire focus of my business). And it’s such an ego pushing concept for me. This is what I enjoy doing… This is part of my identity as a person, a gift if you will. My purpose.
Or is it?
What if my purpose is something different, but similar?? What if I began to write again?
Sure, I’ve held many, many gatherings where I’ve been the ‘messenger’ between the Plant world and the (mostly) women with whom I’ve had the pleasure of sharing walks, workshops and talks with. And that has been lovely. And… it’s a lot of prep work.
And since we’ve moved, I have often felt like a teeny tiny fish in this great big ocean of dryness. I didn’t feel that way in Skagway, Alaska. Nope, I’d encountered and nourished many friendships and connections across the state and had a growing network of friends, fellow gardeners and Plant workers. I felt strong and confident in my ability to share the information that I had gathered from the land in any public setting, because I ‘knew’ those settings.
Now…here…I’m just not feeling the same craving to host; I’ve tried it several times and it has felt amazing. But to do it all again, so consistently, so often, just feels daunting right now.
I don’t feel like hosting large gatherings in any other place aside from my home, where my own gardens grow...and this current home is small and barely fits the four of us as it is…I crave a different kind of space.
And what I envision for this space, the space I see where women (mostly) gather, the comfy red velvet antique sofa, rooms where plant magic is dried, tinctured and infused into oil; where there’s a separate kitchen and fireplace, a southern facing window and shelves for starting plants, a root cellar and an extra room for those visiting from faraway; below the home with all the pretty pottery bowls, harvest baskets & plant prints, and what I see is connection. Between People and Plants.
I guess what’s coming through is this.
It’s time to let go of my old business model.
But it’s not easy to say goodbye.
It’s not easy to let go of something I’ve been working on since 2010.
“Or do I gently shift it?”
Some of this of course stems from uncertainty. Unsureness. This is what I know, but for multiple reasons, it feels safer to stay with what I know…
8/25/23
How do you know when it’s time to jump?
To leap off the ledge of comfort…
When do you know when it’s: time to move, get out of a relationship, get into a relationship, public school or home school, there’s so many choices under the sun!?
Is it the little snippets of commentary that catch your attention?
Similar happenings to those you know that pique your interest?
Where is your pivot point?
What is your intuitive knowing?
I feel I’ve hit that point in my heart…now to navigate logistics…
This is a turning of the page, another chapter.
I get to choose.
And I choose to create sanctuary.
Within my home.
Within myself.
As above, so below, as within, so the soul. (This is a play of mine, on that famous saying.)
To let go of the things that take up “too much” space.
To allow the energy to move smoothly, freely and easily throughout the doorways and rooms.
And so, it’s time to let go.
To jump.
To dream ahead what’s next.
10/12/23
I wrote these words above, weeks before the creative floodgates opened on Saturday, September 16, 2023.
I wrote them, spell-casting them along.
And it worked.
On September 16th I was hit with a ‘pop!’ on top of the head. A ding!
This was after a bout of ‘cold’ symptoms and a general, feeling sorry for myself, kind of week. I had been ruminating about Archaic Joy, knowing I needed a change, something to shift, but not really coming to any conclusions. I thought it was done for. All that work, down the drain. During those symptoms, I had been ingesting Devil’s Club (Oplopanx horridus) tincture to help support. Using it 3X per day for about 3 days, felt good, and connected me back to my seaside roots, the taste reminding me off Moss covered Stones, of Hemlocks swaying, Seaweed and Seals, shimmering Mussel shells, soaring Eagles and the footprints of Bears. On that Saturday the 16th, a day after the new moon, I re-placed the Devil’s Club root charm necklace back upon my neck (it was removed last June; and I had yet to feel ‘strong enough’ to put it back on).
Originally, I had placed it around my neck, permanently, when we left Alaska in June of 2021. Two years it was close by, and then it wasn’t. So to have this Plant ally near again, through the tincture and through the necklace, a Plant I worked extensively with for years…was enough to shift my thinking (granted, this is written in hindsight, it didn’t occur to me until later)…and I had:
A brilliant idea!
What if I didn’t have to learn something new? (I’d been thinking I’d learn QuickBooks and do secretarial work, or something of that nature, I’m organized and can figure out that sort of stuff; maybe?!…and all that did was fill me with dread…as that’s not fulfilling my deepest passion and purpose for being here on earth…).
BUT! What if I took what I enjoyed: the gardening, herbalism, walking in the woods, discovering Plant uses and spirit energy, canning, drying, freezing the bounty of the garden, that which still appeals to me, and all this can be encompassed within: Nature Writing. And I remembered the Milkweed and how soft it was and how sure I was at 8 years old that this was the Path for me.
“And then, what if I made it into 12 chapters, for 12 months. A seasonal, monthly exploration into gardening, growing medicinal herbs, preparing a home-based apothecary, harvesting techniques, preservation, recipes, herbal oil making”…I began to jot down notes, writing in a journal I had been saving for a special occasion, a gift from a plant friend, Amy in Juneau.
And the ideas kept coming, things to know for the beginning, interested in plants, but feels overwhelmed with allllll the internet information, human. How to successfully start seeds indoors, when to use a fresh herb versus a dried one, how to safely use essential oils, compost 101, what herbs should you really keep on hand for yourself or your family?? And the flow of info from my mind to hand was of a kind I’ve never felt before…it was a transmission from the Plants, they were helping me find the Path again...the one I have been lost off of since 2020…
I love plants. And I love sharing with people all the cool things I’ve learned about them over the years. And I love hearing how, where and what other people grow and harvest as well. And folks ask me questions that I can answer and they make phone calls and texts about Plants.
“So…what if I actually wrote this? And then what if I tried it out??” I wondered. And the bodily response I had was significant: it was ripples of excitement. It was joyful creativity. The clarity of purpose, of next choices was clear. (Annnd, then a little later it was absolute terror. “What have I done!? How could I actually think I could put this out in the world!? What if no one is interested?!? This has all been written about before, what in the world do you have to offer that’s new?!?”) But what I have that’s new, is simply my perspective. Everyone has a story to tell, mine is primarily about Plants. And not everyone writes their story. And there are lots of Plant Stories out there that are interesting to me, sooo why not share all the fun things I’ve learned and experienced over the years for those whose lives I’ve come across!?
And so I played around some more with fleshing out the ‘syllabus’ ~ “Is this a course? Is it a guide? What would this be?”
Ahhh…And the answer swiftly came…
Haven Making: Using Plant Magic to Create Sanctuary
And that, my friends, is the beginning of the story.
I believe Plants are Magic. And it’s not just the Plants constituents, its chemical makeup, oh no, what I find more medicinal than that, is the relationships I have been entwined with since I was a child. How Plants attune me to the world. The wisdom and communications I’ve gathered have been such blessings. And I want to help more folks get to know the magic & medicine beneath their feet, around their shoulders and reaching to the skies, as it’s truly a miracle we get to play on this planet, observing this astonishing world with keen senses and the skills to read Nature’s signs and encounter such glory.